I Took You Down From The Pedestal Today

Its been a little over half a year since weve spoken amicably to each other, since I told you I wanted to cut ties. We parted with a kiss and an I love you. It was a nice end, I guess. Since then, Ive done a bunch of new things, been to places, spent some time, a lot of time, alone.

I was sworn off relationships because needless to say, youve scared me off any suchendeavor.Sure, some boys – little boys – traipsed in and out of my life, but they were just scenery you drive by on a road trip. Some werent even that pretty. Honestly, it was a series of further disappointments after you and my heart couldnt take anymore crap.

Then, in my darkest days, I met someone. I put in my best efforts to keep him at arms length, keep myself closed off, dance around intimate questions with coy, non-specific half-truths – I got quite good at it, who would have known. But well, I guess its not that surprising considering Ive had 7 years of training from the master himself. Anyway despite all that, he got to me. Everything happened so organically and so quickly. It felt natural to be around him, and it was as if we were connected on some higher cognitive and emotional wavelength. Id never felt this way with anybody before.

The point of all of this, is not to gush about my partner and wave my happiness in your face. I am not childish. I am writing to you to tell you that I amtruly happy and I feel like I cant be because you are still haunting me. I feel like I let you get away scot-free. I sent you off with a beautiful fanfare complete with butterflies and fairy dust. I didnt even give you a genuine slap. So here is my long overdue slap-in-your-face.

If its over and done for you, packed neatly into a box and stowed away, and youre living a new exciting life with new people and going places without looking back, then good for you. Genuinely, Im happy for you, and also not in the least bit surprised. Youre good with boxes.

But I want you to know that for me, it hasnt ended. That when you hurt people the way you hurt me, it stays with them for a long time.

Its with me everyday. Everyday Im discovering new depths of the pain you have caused me. Everyday the pristine image of you I preserved in my mind is rapidly tarnishing and everyday another good memory is tainted as I start to see it with new eyes.

Youre like a shadow following me everywhere I go. The other night I dreamt that I wanted to beat you up but I couldnt, even though you were right in front of me. I was moving in slow motion, there was an invisible force pushing against me. When I finally got to your face, I managed a slow deep scratch and your face started to bleed.

Him and I are so perfect for each other and I know I could be so happy with him. The operative word is could. My capacity to love and be loved, to trust, to be happy, has been curtailed. In my head it looks like an impenetrable film surrounding my heart, impeding its ability to reach its full potential. The potential capacity that I maximised when I was loving you.

Its so frustrating because I know what Im capable of. I know I have so much love to give, but I feel like I cant give it. You were the first and only one to whom I gave it all to, wholeheartedly. But you were so blinded by your over sized ego and God-complex so big that you callously threw it away.

I dont think you knew what you had. I think you still dont. Whats worse is that I had such little self-worth back then that I couldnt see that you didnt deserve all that I surrendered to you. Other people slowly began to see it, though. That the scales didnt balance. That it was fire and ice. That it was the master and his puppy wagging her tail by the door awaiting her masters arrival home.

You really fucked up. Not so much because you hurt me (although thats a part of it), but more because you failed to realize that the one person who knew Superman for so long didnt run away when the mask started to peel off. When she started to get to know that other side of you that you kept hidden so well. It made her love you. You failed to recognize that unconditional love does exist, and you had it.

But I got tired of fighting for you. I got tired trying to prove that you dont have to and in fact shouldnt do this alone. That you did and always would have me. No matter what you did to me. I got tired holding on to the fact that we grew up together, and we have a bond like nobody else does.

But I started to realize that you werent fighting back for me. It got too lonely, and I deserve better. And I did get better. Now I know what it feels like when a man loves you with all his heart.

When he is upfront with his demons and requests for and respects your opinion. When he lets himself feel and youre the first person with whom he is honest about it. When he stands up for you and protects you with his life. When he parades you to all of his friends, and family, even when that landed him knee-deep in shit. Now I know the difference between I am not obliged to stay. I would have left if I wanted to. But I didnt. and Im always here, Im not going anywhere.

I dont want you to be there at my proposal, or my engagement, or my wedding, or my wedding night. I dont want to wonder where you are when I have my first child, or what youre doing when I get my first job. I dont want you anymore, and I want to be able to live happily ever after with him without you sticking around. I dont want you anymore. Any part of you.

So heres me taking another step to try to get rid of you. Im selling the guitar, and I have no more photos of you except on Instagram. Now Im taking my little slice of justice and giving you a piece of my mind. Its truly a waste, we had gone through so much together. You were my best friend for the longest time and my first love. I loved you with every inch of me. But now every inch of me wants you gone and every good memory we had is tarnished as I start to realize that it wasnt what I thought it was. And thats on you, not me.

I dont wish anything bad for you. In fact, I hope you learn to get over yourself and let the next girl love the human side of you. I hope that I dont haunt you the way you did for me. I hope that you face your demons full-on and come out the other side happier.

Im not expecting to hear from you. Im not even expecting you to get to the end of this post. But I hope you do and I hope you take something positive away from this. Other than a small ache in your chest where I used to be.

Take care.